Notes from David McGurgan:
Recently I interviewed comedian Joe Rogan for my day job at CDNOW. As with most interviews I conduct, interesting snippets and major portions of conversation end up being edited out due to space constraints and are never published. This interview comprises the conversation that didn't make the CDNOW interview and captures the free-flowing and uncensored comedic mind of Joe Rogan.David McGurgan: Let's talk about some comedians. How about Sinbad?
Joe Rogan: They found Sinbad in hell.
I'm pretty sure he was a Star Search dude.
I'm sure he was. Did you ever see the old tapes of him? You think he's bad now? Oh fucking Christ. Not that I want to diss Sinbad…
He has a CD from 1990 called Brain Damaged.
Who put it out?
Polygram.
OK, boycott them.
Where did Carrot Top come from?
I don't know dude. He's just a guy trying to make fat white trash laugh. It works though.
What are you trying to do?
Make people laugh with what I have to say.
You know who is a big fan of yours? Robert Schimmel.
That's awesome. I couldn't be happier. I'm a big fan of his.
How about any of the old school comedians, like the Marx Brothers?
I'm not a big fan that I know it all by heart, but if I'm flipping through the channels and I see "Duck Soup" I'll look.
I'm a huge Groucho fan. Do you know that story when they pulled Groucho off the air? This is one of the greatest stories ever.
He has a guy on the show and says, "So are you married?" And the guy says yes.
Groucho asks, "Do you have any kids?" And the guy says he has six kids.
Groucho goes "Six kids?!"
And the guy goes, "Yeah, I love my wife very much."
Groucho says, "Well I love my cigar too, but I take it out of my mouth every once in a while."
How classic! That was a huge no-no whatever year it was that it occurred. There were some great comic minds that would transfer into any generation and Groucho is certainly one of them.
Are you a Three Stooges fan
Oh yeah. I loved them as a kid. Sometimes when you are watching old stuff like that, you have to accept the fact that it's older and that the humor is different. You have to put yourself in that mode and I may or may not be in that mode to watch. If I'm not in that mode it's hard to look at it.
You've said that people filter their thoughts, especially in the work place. Can you elaborate?
I think the way people are right now makes for more suppression than probably 20 or 30 years ago. I think there was probably less suppression in the work place amongst human beings.
I know Jon Lovitz had a personal assistant who was a buddy of his. They were buddies. She needed money, so she decided to sue him for sexual harassment.
And what was the outcome?
He had to settle out of court. She wanted $100,000 and it would have cost him equally that much to fight it in court, so he gave her $25,000. That's sick.
And the problem went away?
Yeah, the problem went away…but when he was News Radio, he had an assistant and he would barely talk to her. I would ask him, "How come you're not buddies with her?" He told me he can't be. "I've just been burned and that's just the way it is."
That's just another reason people suck…
My take on human beings is always been that there has always been three types: morons, assholes and people you can hang out with it. That's it. I don't care if you're gay, black, Chinese, straight, whatever. That means nothing to me. It's all an illusion.
What's the difference between a moron and an asshole?
Morons don't know they're assholes. Morons can easily be assholes but they're just not aware. They are just missing something and have weak genes. They're like a remote control with bad batteries. They just can't fucking get it. It might not be their fault but they're morons. Assholes are damaged goods and they might be brilliantly intelligent, but they just want to fucking push their shit on you.
And then what about people you can hang out with?
Just people. You're talking and you're sharing a conversation of two people just hanging out. Have you ever talked to someone, and you're not even really talking to them?
Every day.
Actors are the worst for that. "It's like callback on Tuesday and my new head shot. Me, by the way me, did I mention me, and coming around the bend it's me! Me in first, me in the lead, followed by me, then there's me and then there's me. Are you still there? Good because I'm there." It's like, "Aren't you a person at any time?" After this whole acting thing is over and done you eventually have to be human. Some people are never human. It's very weird.
I think being a celebrity or being anything else where you're really ambitious whether you're a doctor or a lawyer or anything, it's really a game to see how successful you can get and ultimately the purpose of this game is supposedly that you'll be happy. That is why we're supposed to do things, right?
Do you think you're happy?
Oh, I'm very happy. I have the best job on the planet. You don't know how great it is to just show up at clubs all the time four or five nights a week, go on stage, tell jokes, and express yourself. People laugh their asses off, you see in their face that they love it. They feel better. You see the serotonin mixing in their brain, the cocktails roll, and people are high-fiving. It's fucking great.
But there has to be some downside to it, right?
What's the downside?
I'm asking you.
I think I'm less susceptible to the down side than some people are. Some people are a little more worried about rejection and need more acceptance. To me, comedy is a great occupation because I don't really worry that much about what other people think of me.
If they don't laugh at me, my thought is anyone that would get offended or wouldn't laugh at something I would say is not somebody I want to hang out with anyway, so fuck them. What do I care?
I've had old people get really upset at me. "Oh, you need to listen to me" and I'm like why? You're just another man. I'm a man too. We differ. Who's the dummy? You're the one who sat through my set for an hour. Didn't you figure out after the first 10 minutes what was up? I think we're on a pretty obvious path. Did you think I was going to start singing Bible songs?
Is it hard for you to get up on stage and be so free? Was there a time when you got up there and you wanted to be freer?
I think everyone inherently knows you think much freer than you express yourself. So when someone comes along and expresses him or herself as freely as they think, people flock to it. They enjoy it.
It's all strength training. You learn detachment and not to care as much what the audience thinks of you or whether they accept you. You learn to do what you think is funny. In the end, that is all that really matters. The audience changes every night. You're the same person. You have to speak your mind and do the stuff that you think is funny and makes you laugh.
As a starting-out comic people are going to make you feel bad. You especially feel like, "Man, what is wrong with me? Why do I think this is funny when all these nice people are coming up to me and they're all pissed off at me?"
It's really not your fault. These nice people are suppressed and can't laugh at sex. They have baggage. There is something wrong with them, whether it's their raising or their upbringing, but they don't want to think about the truth. They don't want to accept certain thoughts as reality. They literally get angry at you for bringing these things up.
Don't you get afraid that you're going to ruin your career or derail it by being so frank?
It's not possible. First of all, I'm not a groundbreaker. I'm going down a road that has already been traveled. People have done it before me starting off with Lenny Bruce. These are people who burned bridges. Another one, certainly different from me, but as outspoken as a political activist was Dick Gregory. He was a great comedian who went and got arrested, did hunger strikes, protests. It never hurt his career to be outspoken. George Carlin was also arrested for saying certain words that he thought were funny.
Of course, it never hurt Lenny Bruce's career to get arrested for swearing. It did back in the time, but he broke those doors down by doing the stuff that he believed in. I think Lenny Bruce is really honest and into pointing things out, but I don't think he always did it in a funny way.
Especially towards the end, he got a little lost and was kind of ranting on about injustices and our fucked judicial system and all the things that were haunting him personally as a human being. He opened doors for guys like me to go through. To not go through them would almost be a travesty.
Richard Pryor is in my mind, the most honest comedian as far as all that stuff goes. He bared his soul to people and I think that's why everybody loved him so much. He was the first truly honest comedian where I really felt like it was him talking. He wasn't trying to make a point as he was trying to show you his humanity. It was so goddamn funny, how could you ignore it?
You have some excellent pictures on your website of naked chicks. I was thrilled to see that chick blowing Joey. She's really hot!
Dude, that's only the shit that I post. That is only the stuff that people let me take pictures of. Some chick sent me a picture of her tits with Joerogan.net on them. They're fucking hogs.
Does she show her face?
You gotta dream, dude. She may not have a pretty face.
Does that blow your mind?
What blows my mind is that I got two pictures that girls sent them, and they're nasty.
These are fake boobs?
Here's my take on that. If I can touch them, they're real.
Why do you have so many women send you naked pictures of themselves and allow themselves to be photographed by you for your site?
First of all you have to remember my act is very sexual. Because I'm brutally honest about a lot of things on stage, people relate to me. They feel like they know me.
I talk so much about sex that girls just want to meet me. Because I have a girlfriend, I have to dodge a lot of it. I try and take the straight and narrow path, which is good because it prevents VD.
Is it tough to have a relationship and be traveling a lot?
Yeah dude. It's hard to have a relationship as a male human being because we are biologically programmed not to be monogamous. Your biology is to cheat, and everything else is will power and decision. Your DNA is programmed so that you fertilize entire villages.
Some people would say that any woman that cheats is a skank and any guy that cheats is just giving into his nature. I don't claim to know how a woman feels, but I know how a guy feels and I know how I feel. Man, it's fucking hard, baby.
Have you had this conversation with your girlfriend?
I try not to. I try to dodge that bullet. Bob and weave, keep your hands up, you need to keep moving. Stay away from the ropes, stay out of the corners, bob and weave, bob and weave.
How long have you known Joey Diaz?
Four or five years. He's a good buddy of mine. He's a fucking soldier. He's willing to do anything. He's a maniac. He truly is. We know each other from the Comedy Store, which is a pretty insane place. There are a lot of bad comedians, but there are a few good ones. The good ones cling to each other like water in the desert. He's a good one and a really funny guy. Joey is funnier as a person than he is as a comedian.
Does he open for you when you go on tour?
Sometimes. I bring him with me all the time. He does clubs all over the place as a middle act. It's very hard because you don't really make a whole lot of money, and you have expenses. When guys open for me, I pay them well. I pay for the plane ticket and hotel. It makes it a lot easier for me too.
I know a lot of comics that draw in clubs that like to take weak acts with them because it makes them look better. I would prefer the audience be laughing really loud before I get there. I want everyone to have fun. Most of my opening acts are my friends, and it's fun to travel with them. The last thing you want to do is travel with some fucking hack.
It's painful for me to watch someone who isn't funny. It's horrifying to sit in the back and watch some guy who just totally sucks and you're just sitting there going, "Oh my god, can I do something about this?" But you can't. You have to sit there and deal with it. And the audience who paid good money to get in there are depressed too. They're like, "Jesus, what the hell is this?"
Do you listen to a lot of music?
I bought the new LL Cool J "G.O.A.T." but it fucking sucks. All these people are saying how great it is and I got it and I'm like, "This thing blows!" It's all about him bragging how great he is. How boring is that? If you are the greatest, why would you go around talking about it? How about just making a great album? He fucked the album up talking about how great he is.
I don't mind bragadocious rap. I think some of Notorious BIG's stuff was brilliant. He was expressing himself on his albums in a way that he would if he was hanging around with his best friends. He was just a very creative guy and of course a lot of it was misogynist and a lot was very violent but that is who the guy was, that's where he was coming from.
Not justifying it at all, but it was interesting in the fact that he was expressing himself again honestly. That's exactly who he was. He wasn't trying to be anybody for anybody. He wasn't trying to put on a fake act to sell records -- he was who he was.
Are there any other musicians that you like because of the way they express themselves?
Rage Against the Machine for that reason but in a socially conscious way. But again, it's the same kind of thing where they express themselves. There is poetry in how they expose lies and deception.
Well, don't you ever want to just listen to something and just chill out?
Sure dude. I'm very eclectic and I'll listen to Rage Against the Machine and then listen to Liz Phair. I'm a really big fan of hers. "Exile in Guyville" is a great album. I was obsessed with her for a while. I used to listen to her every day on the way to work. There's something about her monotone singing quality that is just really hypnotic.
Remember that Dire Straits song "Skate Away"? I remember seeing that video and being fascinated with that chick. You see a video like that with a chick rolling around with a big smile on her face and you go, wow how cool is she? I want to hang out with her. I bet she would be interesting.
Videos are very intoxicating like that. You see a happy moment, some weird expression, or a very free look on their face and it just haunts you. You think they're like that all the time.
It's the same with actors and comedians too. If someone plays a brooding actor in a film, people think they're brooding all the time. Then you run into them at the mall, and they're like, "Hey, how are you?" and drinking a cup of coffee.
I think that is why some people get caught up in their false personas. They get lost in who they are. I think that happened to Christopher Walken. People have you convinced that you're this really mystical crazy fucking man and you become that guy. Dice Clay did it; but he's a bad example because I don't think he was very good in the first place.
I see him all the time at the Comedy Store. He's a terrible fucking comic.
I don't get it because Rodney Dangerfield is still really tight with him and had him in his wedding when he renewed his vows.
Well Rodney is an old guy, and he doesn't care if the guy sucks.
So do you really hate Anna Nicole Smith? I still kind of think she's cute.
She could work at a railroad track dude because she is twisted metal. She is the screech of tires and the crunch of two immovable objects. She is disgusting.
That kind of sounds like my neighbor this morning. She was going downstairs to take her laundry out. Her hair was all messed up and she was wearing a Mickey Mouse robe. She's about fifty pounds too heavy.
That's all wrong, why do women have to show you that?
The worst thing is that she only wears thongs and she inevitably leaves one or two in the dryer. So they will get mixed up into my clothes and a week later I'll pull a shirt out and…
Dirty skanky fucking underwear.
I looked and one of them had the whole skidmark thing happening.
How sick are you that you're looking at this chick's asshole crotch area?
Well if you look at a thong, there's not much to look at. There's only a little area of actual underwear.
…and that little area was brown.
What I did was I left it out in front of her door. I didn't want to throw it away so that she'd think I was a creep that was stealing her underwear.
So you left it in front of her door. That's good. Now she gets the slight humiliation. That's gross. That's apartment living.
I know. I'm fucked.
Apartment living is tough action. Just the whole idea that you share a washer and dryer always freaked me out. People's fucking stench gets on you.
How's your record been doing?
I'm having a hard time with Warner Brothers. They want a bunch of shit from me for my contract, which I haven't signed yet. My album is out but I haven't been paid because we've been fighting on all these points. One of them is that they wanted my domain name, which is never going to happen.
The difference between what I do on mine and what they're willing to do on their own is astronomical. Do you think they're allowing me to have real hardcore fucking amateur pornography and speak my mind about everything and anything? No, they're not. But meanwhile they're such hypocrites because they're willing to put out my album, which is the same thing but in an audio version.
They'd be smart to let you do your own thing because you're working so hard at networking and promoting yourself.
The problem is that Time Warner is going to merge with AOL, which is all about the family. When that happens everyone is fucked. Then Pat Buchanan will be president, and the earth is going to split open.
And John Travolta will be Vice President.
Yeah, he'll be in a scandal where he's drilling little boys.
From
this same interview, Listen to what Joe has to
say about Bill
Hicks,
the Andy Kaufman bandwagon, and Dennis Leary.